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Posted on on July 3rd, 2017
by Pincas Jawetz (

PostEverything Perspective // The Washington Post

The Declaration of Independence, as read by President Trump
There’s a very fine line between parody and reality in 2017.

By Daniel W. Drezner July 3, 2017

Daniel W. Drezner is a professor of international politics at the Fletcher School of Law and Diplomacy at Tufts University and a regular contributor to PostEverything.

Thank you very much for coming, including the members of the horrible Fake News Media, to this tradition that I have started, another beautiful first for this administration, the reading of the very famous and well-known Declaration of Independence, one of the greatest declarations in the history of the world. Here we go:

When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one group of people to dissolve the political bands — really, bands? Is it “bands” or bonds”? Who knows? — which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature’s God, and our God, too, our wonderful and very Christian God, entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation. That was a long sentence.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness, so much happiness, such tremendous amounts of happiness, we are doing so well with the happiness, aren’t we? — That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, I, too, received the greatest consent of the governed, the most consent of any president in a long time, despite the unfair electoral college being rigged against a Republican.

There’s a lot of stuff on “Prudence” here that I’m skipping because prudence is what got this country into trouble in the first place. We need to be bold!

The history of the present King of Great Britain is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over these States. But you know, I have to say here, that King George III, say what you will about him, at least he was a tough leader. He fought very hard and very tough to keep the United States, you have to admire him.

To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world. I certainly hope these are real facts, not the fake facts that CNN, or, as I now call it, the Fraud News Network, has been reporting.

He has refused his Assent to Laws, the most wholesome and necessary for the public good. You know, this fact sounds fake to me. A good leader needs to be tough and smart and get things done quickly.

Did you know that this part of the Declaration is just a long list of complaints? Not many people know that at all.

He has dissolved Representative Houses repeatedly, for opposing with Manly Firmness his invasions on the rights of the people. “Manly firmness,” I like that. I just came up with that phrase, I think it improves the Declaration. It was manly firmness that got me elected despite the whining of the failing New York Times and #AmazonWashingtonPost.

He has endeavoured to prevent the population of these States; for that purpose obstructing the Laws for Naturalization of Foreigners; refusing to pass others to encourage their migrations hither, and raising the conditions of new Appropriations of Lands. Believe you me, the King was on the right track!! Why would the Colonies want so many disgusting migrants coming from non-English countries? George III was just looking out for the forgotten colonists who didn’t want the great unwashed to come to this country!!

He has obstructed the Administration of Justice, by refusing his Assent to Laws for establishing Judiciary powers. Our courts are so horrible, except for my Supreme Court pick, Gorsuch, that I really can’t blame the King. He’s making a lot of sense and the colonists sound like crybabies. All they’re doing in this is complaining about a strong leader. Weak!

Skipping a few of these minor complaints.

He has affected to render the Military independent of and superior to the Civil power. But we need a strong Military! Our Military was very weak when I became president, but now it is strong!

Skipping, skipping … boy, this is a corny list …

For cutting off our Trade with all parts of the world?! The Founders probably wanted free trade, but I bet the powerful George III wanted fair trade — that makes more sense.

For imposing Taxes on us without our Consent. I’ll agree with the colonists on that one. But I have to say, so far the King seems to be winning this argument!

Let’s see what else is here … suspending our own Legislatures, and declaring themselves invested with power to legislate for us in all cases whatsoever. I would love to do this, it would be so beautiful. Look at how slowly Congress moves on health care, and they won’t give it enough heart. I would give it heart! I alone can fix health care!!

More corny stuff here, I’m skipping it …

In every stage of these Oppressions We have Petitioned for Redress in the most humble terms: Our repeated Petitions have been answered only by repeated injury. A Prince whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a Tyrant, is strong enough to rule a people if you ask me. George III moved very strongly against these colonists, just as I am moving strongly against all of America’s enemies, including ISIS and the Fake News Media.

I know what the fake news will say that my reading of this Declaration is not historically accurate. But it is MODERN-DAY ACCURATE! I am not being politically correct, like our Failing Founders, I’m just being with truth here: I think the colonists were too hasty in rejecting a strong King!!

Therefore, I, the Very Strong Leader of the united States of America, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the Name, and by Authority of the good People, but ONLY the good people, not the bad losers and haters of these Colonies, solemnly publish and declare, That I should have full Power to levy War, conclude Peace, contract Alliances, establish Commerce, and to do all other Acts and Things which Independent Kings may of right do. And for the support of my wonderful Declaration, with a great reliance on the protection of divine Providence, my subjects mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes and our sacred Honor, our very sacred honor indeed.

My Declaration makes America Great Again. I am accomplishing so much. Tryanny!!!


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